Everything is getting worse that it was. Though today's date with Jordan was one of the best ones I've had with him...it's always what happens after I have fun. I wrote my mom a letter that explained that I loved her and that I do care for her. That it was a misunderstanding that escalated into something bigger. I ended with "I know I can never take back the words I have said, but I can help to change our future. If there is anything I can do to make you feel better, I will do it, because I want to see you happy again." She burned my letter. I had asked my brother to talk to her for me since I had all shame and did not have the courage to stand against her. I could hear her cussing, calling me names. It hurt a lot. I felt betrayed; because even when I'm mad at her, never have I insulted her using vulgar language..if someone was even talking shit about her I would defend her. I felt abandoned. My brother had told me that she wants me to move out. After all that was what I was planning to do before.. but I had changed my mind because my mom at the time assured me that I did not have to move out. Plans change.

I was so angry at her. So angry that she would cuss like that about me. I wanted to get out so bad. I scheduled an appointment to meet with Jordan's dad to ask if I could stay with them, at least until I find somewhere to stay. I was so nervous, because this was my last chance. An hour ago a received a call from Jordan saying that his dad already knows what I'm planning and that "we cannot help her, it should be handled within her family and she should talk to her father because he is the only one who can do something about it" What is this feeling? I feel more ashamed now.. Now, I can't even look at Jordan's dad.. too ashamed. My last straw is failed.

Want to know what my father said? He said to suck it up. To just shut up and take my mom's shit. I can't do that. I rather be homeless. That's how retarded my ego and pride is. Know what else? I took out all my stress on Jordan. I feel like a bitch; I screamed at him because I was jealous. He was set for college, and he doesn't even have to work..he has a place to stay, and he doesn't have to pay for any expenses. I questioned why he didn't want to help me. I questioned why he didn't drop everything for me. I questioned everything. Now, I see how selfish I was. But I feel like I'm alone. My eyes they don't stop crying. I feel like everyone can only wish me luck and hope for the best.. while I stress out. This is my fault. I almost feel suicidal. Maybe then will my mother care about me.

This is a battle that I must conquer. But it seems like all my soldiers are disappearing, and only myself is left. I feel like my armor was destroyed, my sword shattered, and my bones about to crumble. I feel like everyone is watching from the sidelines and comment "Well, thank goodness that's not me." I feel like ending....I know my friends are trying to help, I just wish there was more they could do..

Like a torpedo, I'm getting closer and closer to my destruction.